Apteekkarin Pehmeä Salmiakkipastilli

A font can say a lot of things about your brand. If you choose Comic Sans, you’re basically saying I don’t even take myself seriously. Papyrus, on the other hand, tells people that you’re doing the old-age/new-age thing, and that you might be Asian, Egyptian, or even African.

On the same note, Apteekkarin’s choice of a Blackletter/Gothic font (along with an illustration of the grand inquisitor himself) says one thing very loudly: the contents of this package were originally designed as a medieval torture device.

Despite this scary looking design and bright red warning ("VAIN APTEEKISTA", which translates to "DO NOT EAT"), I opened up the package.

Never sure of whether I'll find sugar or salt, I popped one of the jelly-textured drops in my mouth and prepared for the worst. Surprisingly, I didn't gag or even immediately spit these out. The mild licorice taste slowly transitioned to a menthol flavor, and after a chewing for about a minute, a subtle salty flavor cropped up. It wasn't too bad at all.

I had another, and then another... and next thing I knew, the bag was empty! That's an extremely rare occurrence here on Salmiyuck and, as such, earns this Salmiakkipastilli the halfway-decent rating. Keep in mind that I'm fairly tolerable of menthol flavors, so you may find these much worse than I did.

Pirkka: Tulinen Pippuri (Sokeriton)

Before even taking a whiff of the Sokeriton (sugar free) Tulinen Pippuri from Pirkka, I was already pretty pleased with it. The rusty, just-dug-it-out-of-the-ground appearance screams don't eat me louder than any other salmiakki I've seen - which is precicely the message that should be emblazened on every bag sold.

Taking a whiff of the confectionary reminded me that things that look like they've been buried underground for longer than I've been alive don't have a pleasant smell. It's hard to describe how the tulinen pippuri smells, but I'd say it's about 37% cayenne pepper, 18% sweet, 13% sour, and 99% evil.

As soon as the Tulinen Pippuri met my tongue, I was filled with the all-to-familiar sensation of burning salt. I soldiered through this onslaught, using an occasional sip of water to combat the wretched taste. Fortunately, the pain quickly subsided, leaving a fairly normal piece of hard salty liquorice candy.

If it weren't for the rough beginnings, I'd consider rating this almost edible - but I'm going to stick with inedible. Which is exactly what it looks like.